Season Seven Mailbag! Questions From Our Listeners
It’s time to end our seventh season and what better way than to answer some of your questions! We’ve had a wide variety come in and tackle a number of them in today’s episode. Here are some of the questions we look at.
I never legally adopted my spouse’s kids from a previous marriage, but I love them like my own. Will I lose the right to see them?
What happens if divorce is against my/my spouse’s religion?
My spouse is threatening suicide if I leave. What do I do?
What if I can’t be in the same room as my ex because of PTSD? How is this handled in court?
I have a shady/questionable past but I’ve totally cleaned up my act, but my ex is threatening to use my past against me to get full custody of the kids. He has old videos, proof etc. Am I screwed?
My ex is threatening to publicly post embarrassing photos/content about me if I divorce them. Is there a legal action I can take to prevent this?
I found out my ex is a bigamist and has spouses in other states. Are we really married? How does the court handle this?
Assuming most divorces are the same or fall into similar categories, what qualifies as an exceptional or unusual/unique divorce?
My spouse took off and I can’t find them to divorce them.
Lots of great information in today’s episode. We’ll have a few rebroadcasts after this episode, followed by some conversations with other attorneys at NLG before we kick off season eight in August. In the meantime, keep those listener questions coming!
Links & Notes
Got a question you want to ask on the show? Click here!
-
Pete Wright:
Welcome to How to Split a Toaster: A Divorce Podcast About Saving Your Relationships from TruStory FM. Today it's toaster grab bag time.
Seth Nelson:
Welcome to show everybody. I'm Seth Nelson. As always, I'm here with my good friend, Pete Wright. Today we're just taking listener questions. We have a whole bunch that might not be a full episode, and Pete's going to be rapid fire towards me. Is that what we're doing, Pete?
Pete Wright:
I think we got it, Seth. We've got a bunch of these that have come in and thank you, first of all so much. Don't forget howtosplitatoaster.com, you can submit your questions. We are gearing up for our break, but don't worry, even when we're on a break, you can still submit your questions. Howtosplitatoaster.com, submit a question. They will come to Seth just like these questions today. So here we go. Seth, are you ready?
Seth Nelson:
Ready.
Pete Wright:
I never legally adopted my spouse's kids from my previous marriage, but I love them like my own. Will I lose the right to see them?
Seth Nelson:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
Ooh, that was really fast. Check your jurisdiction at all?
Seth Nelson:
Definitely check your-
Pete Wright:
Like that's painfully rip the bandaid fast.
Seth Nelson:
I've lived it. I've lived it. I was married. I became a stepfather, and when we got divorced, I had absolutely no rights to this child that has had me wrapped around her pinky since she's been three. She's now 25 and still has me wrapped around her pinky. But we have a very close relationship. Of course, I'm close with my former spouse and of course I have, especially as her daughter got older, we've reconnected. But think about it. Let's just do the math. You get divorced, you have a kid, you get them 50% of the time. Amicable divorce, things didn't work out, 50/50. You get remarried. You're married for five years. The person who loves your child, the stepchild, as their own. You get divorced 50/50. Now you see your kid only 25% of the time.
Pete Wright:
Ooh, yeah. No, suddenly fractions of a fraction start looking silly.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly. And so, yeah.
Pete Wright:
Especially in the eyes of the court, who I imagine doesn't care.
Seth Nelson:
That's correct. And you have no standing, you have no legal right to see a former spouse's child. Check your local jurisdiction.
Pete Wright:
Okay. So you, in your case, got lucky that you maintained a solid relationship with yours, and that's just a benefit of the way you handled your divorce.
Seth Nelson:
When she was 16, she came to work for me.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. What if you do legally adopt them, then you do have to deal with fractions of a fraction, right?
Seth Nelson:
No, because when you legally adopt them, the other parent shouldn't have time-sharing, because they're no longer their legal parent.
Pete Wright:
Ooh, that's really interesting. Okay.
Seth Nelson:
So they have no time-sharing. They're not a parent, legally. You get divorced, it's your kid, just like the child who was born in the marriage.
Pete Wright:
Okay. Fascinating. Okay, how about this one? What happens if divorce is against my spouse's religion?
Seth Nelson:
You're still allowed to get divorced in the United States. The court will not make people stay married, just because it's against their religion. This is a civil procedure, not a religious procedure.
Pete Wright:
Okay. That seems pretty straightforward. How about this one? My spouse is... Oh, this is dark. Seth. I'm sorry. My spouse is threatening suicide, if I leave them. What do I do?
Seth Nelson:
It is dark. It's scary.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, that's scary.
Seth Nelson:
One, talk to a mental health professional. Two, it's my belief... Once again, talk to a mental health professional. Do not take my word on this, but you cannot be responsible for someone else's actions, period. Especially if that action is to commit suicide. That's not on you, how you handle your own behavior. So I'm going to change this hypothetical. My husband beats me daily and he threatens to commit suicide if I leave him. Now, that seems more reasonable to leave.
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
Because we have a rationale. We made a judgment call that you should not be beaten every day just to stay in a marriage, just because someone shouldn't commit suicide. So I use very out there or bold or crazy hypotheticals to prove a concept to show and teach a concept. And the concept is you're not responsible for that.
Pete Wright:
That is its own form of emotional abuse. Using that threat as a tool in your divorce is its own form of abuse. Do you agree?
Seth Nelson:
I don't know if it would qualify as abuse and here I'm being sympathetic to the person who's saying it.
Pete Wright:
So much we don't know about.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly. Maybe that's how they really feel and I can't do it. Maybe they have mental health issues. So abuse sounds to me with intent, but you can be abused if someone's not intending to, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right. Sure.
Seth Nelson:
That's a little sticky work in there.
Pete Wright:
Okay. All right. Sticking with some of the emotional themes, what if I can't be in the same room as my ex, because of PTSD? How is this handled in court? Assuming you are a victim of past abuse, I imagine.
Seth Nelson:
Well, victim or not, and what I was not clear on this question, because it can be read two ways, so I'll answer it both ways. What if I can't be in the same room as my ex, because of PTSD? Is it because your ex suffers from PTSD and has all these triggers and does things that you can't handle? Or is it that you're suffering from PTSD, based on what your husband has done to you? But either way, if you can't be in the same room, because you get triggered or based on their behaviors, if you don't have kids, this is not going to be a problem, because you're not going to be in the same room, because there'd be no reason to be in the same room. If you have children, we talk about all the ways, maybe this ends up being a parallel parenting issue, as opposed to a co-parenting,
Pete Wright:
But what if it goes to trial? Like how does the court handle this?
Seth Nelson:
So you would have to look specifically about what is the behaviors happening when everyone's in the room? What if any impact does that have on children? What do we do to keep parties apart, so we don't have those behaviors, so we don't negatively impact children? So both parties are allowed to attend a football game, but they must sit on the opposite sides of the stadium.
Pete Wright:
But both parties in the same courtroom at the same time. There's facility for saying we can't do that, because of mental health reasons?
Seth Nelson:
No, you will be in court in the same room if you're actually in the courtroom, if that's this question, you are in the courtroom.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, that's the question.
Seth Nelson:
You're in the courtroom and there's these amazing people in there called bailiffs and they have handcuffs and they do exactly what the judge tells them to do.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
So ultimately, your spouse could be sitting there with his mouth gagged and handcuffed, that he could kick the guy out of the room if he's not abiding by the decorum that's required in court. So there's ways to handle that. But if he's just sitting there and you're just sitting there-
Pete Wright:
If your divorce goes to trial, you have to get to a point where you can sit in court with your former spouse.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, I would tell you it would be... I've never heard of a case where someone says; I have PTSD based upon what that person has done to me and I can't be in court with them. And your right to face your accuser in the criminal side, there are people who have been charged with rape and the person who was allegedly raped is on the stand. That's PTSD 101, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And I'm saying alleged. I could do any hypothetical here. So yeah, that's check your local jurisdiction.
Pete Wright:
One way or another, you're on the stand.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Okay. I have a shady or questionable past, but I've totally cleaned up my act, but my ex is threatening to use my past against me to get full custody of the kids. He has old videos, proof, et cetera. Am I screwed?
Seth Nelson:
Check your local jurisdiction, check with your lawyer. I have found the farther back in time that any of these behaviors have occurred, the less weight the court will give them in deciding what to do with your children.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
So Soberlink, sponsor the show, someone says; Judge, I am a recovering alcoholic and I haven't had a drink for four years, and I blow into Soberlink twice a day. Judge is going to say, keep doing what you're doing.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. You're great. Kudos.
Seth Nelson:
That's a whole lot different when you don't show up at court, because you're too intoxicated to arrive or you show up intoxicated. So farther back in time, what were the behaviors? What impact did they have on children?
Pete Wright:
So 20 years ago, before you had kids-
Seth Nelson:
Not relevant.
Pete Wright:
Not going to be relevant. Okay, that's good news. A shady passed? You're okay, as long as it was in the past. My ex is threatening... Oh, here's another shady past picture. My ex is threatening to publicly post embarrassing photos or content about me if I divorce them. Is there legal action I can take to prevent this?
Seth Nelson:
It's called extortion.
Pete Wright:
Sure what it sounds like.
Seth Nelson:
There are usually statutes, criminal statutes, so you could take this to the police, you could take it to the district attorney in your jurisdiction and say; here's what's happening. I want to get divorced. I'm afraid this is going to happen. This is what they're saying. What can I do about it? Sometimes what I do in that situation is refer them to a criminal defense attorney. They're like; why would you do that? You're like; because they're going to know those laws better, because they've represented people that have been doing that and see how it's being handled.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, so there's nothing as a family law attorney that you would do explicitly in this case. You handle is order of operations matters. Handle this one first, because it's the most present.
Seth Nelson:
Right. Or I would file for divorce. Now, if you absolutely don't want these done and we have proof that this person is threatening to expose you on that, then I would be calling my criminal defense buddies and saying; we got a problem. I'd be calling the state attorney saying; we got a problem.
Pete Wright:
I found out that my ex is a bigamist and has spouses in other states. Are we really married? How does the court handle this?
Seth Nelson:
So when they say; I found out my ex is a bigamist, I'm assuming they're actually still married and not an ex yet. So I'm going to say; I found out my spouse is a bigamist and has other spouses in other states. Are we really married? Potentially yes, and potentially no.
Pete Wright:
Okay. What goes into that?
Seth Nelson:
So, okay, here we go. Typical lawyer answer, it depends. They cannot legally be married to more than one person. So what happens is they get married in Nevada, let's pick on Vegas. Then they come to Florida and they marry you. Your marriage, I would argue, is not a valid marriage, because they were already married, but there's criminal statutes on this, and so they could be arrested for being a bigamist.
Pete Wright:
Okay, so what do you do... What happens when you discover this in the course of a family law divorce?
Seth Nelson:
I would just divide up the assets. I think we would lose all marital versus non-marital analysis. There's not a valid enforceable marriage to dissolve.
Pete Wright:
Right. The court just says; sorry, you're not married. Get out of here.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, but we have a house together. Okay. A lot of people in houses together aren't married.
Pete Wright:
So you can still help that, right? In the separation process, you still go through the separation of assets part.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. But it could be a division of assets, not in conduction with a divorce, potentially. Check your local jurisdiction. It could just be good old-fashioned property law.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
So let's say they have a child together. It's a paternity case. They're not married. A lot of people have children together that aren't married.
Pete Wright:
And they're not married. Yeah. Okay. Well, that's... You make it sound so easy, but it sounds really complicated to me .in this case, do check your local jurisdiction, the person who's married to multiple people might be breaking the law. You are not. You are just not married, potentially.
Seth Nelson:
Correct. But if you're the first one to be married to the bigamist, that's a legally enforceable marriage.
Pete Wright:
Okay. If you're first.
Seth Nelson:
But if you're second, third, or fourth, potentially not.
Pete Wright:
Have you personally ever dealt with any of this?
Seth Nelson:
The way you said that, I think you just asked me if I've ever been a bigamist.
Pete Wright:
This on the cusp of your pending nuptials.
Seth Nelson:
I'm about get married Pete.
Pete Wright:
I'm sorry. I am curious if you, in your professional capacity as a family law attorney, have ever dealt with a case involving bigamy?
Seth Nelson:
I think I had one case involving bigamy, years and years and years ago, and what was sad about that case, and I could be confusing or mixing two cases, is the lawyer on the other side was like; no, he is not a bigamist. No, he is not a bigamist. No, he is not a bigamist. And I got my client divorced, and then the lawyer married the opposing party. Though after the divorce was over, the lawyer started dating their former client and nothing happened during the pendency of the case. They ultimately got married and he ultimately was a bigamist.
Pete Wright:
Wow. Oh, that's really sad.
Seth Nelson:
And I don't remember if this was a case that I had. I don't-
Pete Wright:
A lot of water under the bridge. Sure.
Seth Nelson:
But I certainly know that there was a case where a lawyer represented and defended a guy against bigamy, ultimately married that guy after the case was over and the guy ultimately was a bigamist.
Pete Wright:
Wow. Wow. Well, Seth, okay. Speaking of unusual classes of divorce, assuming most divorce cases are the same or fall into similar categories, says this questionnaire, what qualifies as an exceptional or unusual or unique divorce?
Seth Nelson:
That's a really good question.
Pete Wright:
Seth is literally rubbing his chin right now. This is a thinker.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, because all the issues in a divorce are generally the same. Parenting plan, division of assets, in debts, alimony child support, attorney's fees, cost, process. We've talked about peace many times. So when it says what qualifies as an exceptional or unusual, unique divorce, it's usually an issue within the divorce or post-divorce, but the longer you do it and the more you see these cases, you see more bats and you see more pitches, and therefore they're not unusual or unique anymore.
Pete Wright:
So maybe the better question is; when's the last time you were surprised by a case that walked in your door?
Seth Nelson:
I can't even recall the last time I was surprised, because I've heard it all. So what I was going to say though is I haven't had a lot of cases that dealt with forgery of documents, but I've certainly had enough where I don't think it's unique or unusual. I would say a bigamist case would be unusual or unique. I think there will be unique situations. I can't even think of a unique situation now that I'm saying this out loud, because I've dealt with everything.
Pete Wright:
Tiger King was in your backyard. What if there was a divorce involved with big cats? That's got to be unique.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. That's just animal division of assets, where there'll be unique assets that are being divided. Sure, absolutely. There could be artwork of some crazy kind, right?
Pete Wright:
Yeah, right.
Seth Nelson:
People collect everything. So anything that's collectible, which is everything, could be divided. People say; oh my God, you must hear crazy stories. And I'll be like; I can tell you a story from last Tuesday. I don't need to go back two years.
Pete Wright:
Yeah, right. Well, it's all crazy to someone who isn't in the field.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. So here's one. I don't think it's unique or unusual.
Pete Wright:
Let's see. Let's see if it raises my eyebrows.
Seth Nelson:
Okay. During the divorce process, you're at mediation. The parties leave mediation living in separate houses, battling all day on mediation. They have to come back to a second mediation, but the night that the first mediation ends, they go out and they sleep together.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
Does that raise your eyebrows?
Pete Wright:
Kind of no. It feels like; oh, okay. We're in the denial stage. We regret that we maybe have gone down this path and let's see if we're making the right decision.
Seth Nelson:
But all day long they're like battling each other and calling each other bad names, and I can't believe they're so greedy.
Pete Wright:
Did they ultimately get divorced?
Seth Nelson:
I'm just saying that happens. Sometimes they get back together, sometimes they don't.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Humans are complex organisms Seth. What are we going to do?
Seth Nelson:
I don't know if I answered this question very well at all, so I apologize to the listener.
Pete Wright:
Hey, you got to swing at them. When they come, you just got to swing. Okay, last question, Seth, last question. This is another one for you to swing at. I'm excited to hear what you say. My spouse took off and I can't find them to divorce them. Is that a unique-
Seth Nelson:
Consider yourself lucky. Consider yourself lucky. No, this is not unique. In fact, we have a statue that helps you deal with this, it's so not unique.
Pete Wright:
Oh my goodness. Okay,
Seth Nelson:
So this goes to service a process. Usually by the time this happens, it's been years. Very rarely do I hear; my spouse left last week. I have no idea where they're, and I want to find them and divorce them. It's like; well, we grew apart, or they were on the road a lot and then we lost track. It happens over time, but at the end of the day, took off, can't find them. You file for divorce, you have to do what's called a diligent search. It's an affidavit that you have to sign in Florida, check your local jurisdiction, of diligent search to say; I've looked for them. I can't find them. I can't serve them to give them notice and opportunity to be heard in this divorce proceeding. What do I do? You can serve them what's called by publication.
Pete Wright:
Ooh.
Seth Nelson:
You put it in the newspaper. I filed for divorce against you.
Pete Wright:
Wow. Where does that go? Is there a section for that in the newspaper?
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, it's the ads. It's the legal notices section.
Pete Wright:
You just post an ad. Wow.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, it's the legal notices section. Okay. And you would think in Tampa, you'd have to do the Tampa Tribune or the Tampa Bay Times, or it's changed names, right? No, there's other publications that are deemed sufficient enough in circulation, that you can publish it in there.
Pete Wright:
Like the Tampa Clipper coupon guide?
Seth Nelson:
There's a magazine called La Gaceta, or a newspaper. Once a week, to the best of my knowledge, the only trilingual newspaper left in the country.
Pete Wright:
Fantastic.
Seth Nelson:
You can publish in there. So here's what judges typically do when you come through and then you go for a motion for default, because now they've been served by publication. You got to do it in Florida a couple weeks out. You got to do it more than once. You get an affidavit from the publisher that this went out in their publication. And sometimes the judges are like; did you look on Facebook? Did you do any social media stuff? No, Judge, we did not. Now I start doing my diligence search; Judge, we went on Facebook. We posted the ad on our own Facebook page. We Googled them, we did this, we did that. Judge; all right, default. What do you want? But usually when it comes to this, they don't know where they are. It's just like; okay, everything in your name is yours. Everything in their name is theirs. No debts, no nothing. Everyone keep their own stuff and it's usually a fairly simple divorce.
Pete Wright:
When you say no debt, how does-
Seth Nelson:
What I'm saying is-
Pete Wright:
What if there's debt? It's your debt, it's your debt.
Seth Nelson:
If it's their debt, it's their debt.
Pete Wright:
Credit cards, mortgages.
Seth Nelson:
Right, right.
Pete Wright:
What happens, just as I'm poking at this, what happens if the house is in their name?
Seth Nelson:
Joint name?
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Then you'll end up doing a partition action probably if you can't sell it without them. And then what your partition means, it gets divided. And then you might, if it's in their name, you might have to put half the money in a trust account, see if they ever show up.
Pete Wright:
And it just sits there?
Seth Nelson:
Potentially. Check your local jurisdiction. I haven't dealt with that one. That would be unique.
Pete Wright:
That would be unique. Okay. We have one. We got one. I feel like that's a great way to end. Seth, do you? Are you good?
Seth Nelson:
Sure, I'm good. If there's more questions, we'll get them next week.
Pete Wright:
This was super fun. We will. We'll catch up with them next time. Thank you everybody for submitting your questions. We sure appreciate this and it's always fun to hear what you have to say about your own divorce questions on howtosplitatoaster.com. Submit a question, that'll get to us. Thank you everybody for downloading, listening to this show. We appreciate your time and your attention On behalf of Seth Nelson, America's favorite divorce attorney, I'm Pete Wright, and we'll catch you next time, right here on How to Split A Toaster: A Divorce Podcast About Saving Your Relationships.
Outro:
Seth Nelson is an attorney with NLG Divorce and Family Law, with offices in Tampa, Florida. While we may be discussing family law topics, How To Split A Toaster is not intended to, nor is it providing, legal advice. Every situation is different. If you have specific questions regarding your situation, please seek your own legal counsel with an attorney licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. Pete Wright is not an attorney or employee of NLG Divorce and Family Law. Seth Nelson is licensed to practice law in Florida.
