Parent Coordination 101
The role of a parent coordinator is to assist co-parents in resolving disputes and making decisions related to their children, particularly in the context of a divorce or separation. Precisely what your parent coordinator does for you can vary depending on your jurisdiction and the terms of the court order or agreement calling for their participation in your parenting agreement.
A few considerations, though: first, if you have an agreement between co-parents in place, and you’re communicating clearly with one another, you most likely won’t have to think about someone else involved in your parenting efforts. Second, naturally, the role of the coordinator might vary widely depending on where you live. We’re talking about Florida today, and we hope we can give you some questions to ask your attorney in your process.
If you’re struggling with co-parenting, the parent coordinator could be a massive help in facilitating communication, helping execute your parenting plan, resolving disputes, and making recommendations on working together. At the core, when parents are struggling to work together, the parent coordinator works on behalf of the kids.
As a bonus, a listener writes in with a question — and rumors of legal horror stories — about new pregnancies during divorce!
Links & Notes
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Pete Wright:
Welcome to How To Split a Toaster, a divorce podcast about saving your relationships from TruStory FM. Today, learning how to behave around the new toaster coordinator in your home.
Seth Nelson:
Welcome to the show, everyone. I'm Seth Nelson. As always, I'm here with my good friend, Pete Wright. If you have minor kids in your divorce, you're likely going to be working in some capacity with a parent coordinator. Today, we're going to go back to the basics though. What does the parent coordinator do? What are their responsibilities, and how do they relate to the court in the legal process? Today, Pete gets schooled on parent coordination.
Pete Wright:
Okay, that was a little hardcore. There was a little too much plosive in Pete.
Seth Nelson:
Well.
Pete Wright:
Just saying.
Seth Nelson:
Okay.
Pete Wright:
I feel like I got a finger wag on that one.
Seth Nelson:
I can redo it. Today, Pete gets schooled in parent coordination.
Pete Wright:
Now we're introducing a WWE fight. Awesome. Look, you know what? I feel like we've talked about parent coordination in the past. And we had a guest, a wonderful guest on the show, who talked about her role as a parent coordinator, but I feel like we haven't done a 101 episode in a while on this particular topic. And it has come up in recent episodes. I want to go back to basics, and figure out what I need to know about parent coordinators, how I need to relate to them, what I need to be scared of, what are they telling the court? What's it all about, sir?
Seth Nelson:
Okay, so parent coordination is like an air traffic controller. Trying to keep all the planes in the air, land them smoothly, no one wants to crash.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
Nowhere does an airline pilot, when he is talking to the air traffic controller, can't do an argument with him, saying, "This is what I should be doing instead" because he's seen all the other planes flying. That's the analogy we're going to use today because here's the deal. A parent coordination tries to help parents who don't live under the same roof coordinate how they parent the children because there's so much conflict that we've talked about between parents. They try to stay child-focused and solve problems that the court system is not set up to solve. So here's some positives about a parent coordination.
Pete Wright:
Good.
Seth Nelson:
Faster than the court system. Cheaper than the court system. If you're unable to resolve the problems, the court system is still open, and at least in Florida, check your local jurisdiction, the court will listen to the parent coordinator and come in there and say, "Who's the problem here?" And that's a key factor. So let's back up and say, "If you're going to parent coordination, how do you view the parent coordinator?" This is the wrong way to view the parent coordinator. "They're going to fix my co-parent. My co-parent is extremely difficult. Always crashing the planes, always burning to the ground. They're going to fix them." Wrong. They are not.
Pete Wright:
I no longer need to have problems or fight because my parent coordinator is going to fight my battles for me.
Seth Nelson:
Correct. Wrong. That's not what they do. Okay. The way I express to my clients, if you're going to parent coordination, this is what your mindset should be. "Parent coordinator, I'm here because I have a really difficult time co-parenting with this person. I feel like the things I'm doing are reasonable. Obviously, I've made mistakes. Obviously, I think I maybe can improve on my communication. But what can I do? Give me some skills to deal with this very difficult, non-rational, emotional, abusive, narcissistic parent that I'm stuck with."
Because it's all about how you respond and react. It's all about how you communicate. Because that's ultimately what parent coordination is supposed to do. So here are terms that I tell people to take out of their vocabulary. The word court, such as, "I'll just tell it to the judge. I'll see you in court." Not helpful in trying to solve disputes.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Those are terms we don't... Not even in parent coordination. I think you advocate getting rid of those writ large. Let's not use those words anymore.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly.
Pete Wright:
All right.
Seth Nelson:
Terms you should use. "We're having an issue on deciding on the extracurricular activity. Here's why I think this activity is important for our child. Here are my concerns about this activity and why I don't want to do this for our child." Whatever the case may be. And you just lay them out in a bullet point fashion.
Pete Wright:
We had an example not too long ago. I think you brought it up where we had two parents and they both wanted their child to play soccer and signed them up for two different soccer leagues. And I'm wondering what role a parent coordinator could have slash should have played in navigating that particular thing.
Seth Nelson:
Well, I can tell you exactly where that came up is Tammy Sbar, the amazing mediator that we had on the show, talks about that all the time. In Tampa Bay, there is Pinellas County, St. Petersburg, think of, and then there's Tampa, Hillsborough County. It's across a bridge. It's about 40 minutes to an hour, depending where you're going, traffic, all that sort of stuff.
Pete Wright:
Certainly reasonable to have co-parents living one in each area.
Seth Nelson:
Yep. Makes it a little hard in the morning for school, but it happens. But when it comes to extracurricular activities, I don't know who lived where, but let's say it was Dad's weekend. He doesn't want to drive back over to Tampa for soccer practice or the soccer game. So he signs up the kid for soccer in St. Pete. Mom signs up the kid for soccer in Tampa. The kid constantly misses practice because, on Dad's days, he takes him to soccer in St. Pete, misses Tampa practice and vice versa.
Pete Wright:
Probably not allowed to play in games because he's not at practice at any particular rate. And he's still playing soccer every day and is probably exhausted.
Seth Nelson:
Exactly. He sat on the bench for every game because he didn't meet the requirement to go to practice.
Pete Wright:
So this is one of those situations that it feels like someone could have, should have stepped in to say, "Look, parents, we need to communicate over this."
Seth Nelson:
That's right.
Pete Wright:
"We need to figure out a solution."
Seth Nelson:
So here's the problem. If you want your kid to practice soccer four days a week and not have the benefit of playing in the games, your solution is [inaudible 00:07:09] perfectly fine.
Pete Wright:
Right. Right.
Seth Nelson:
But if your kid wants to actually play in the games, someone's going to have to put the kid's interests above their own, and let's try to rework this. Yes, everybody agrees. Driving across the bridge sucks. How do we solve that problem? Maybe we solve that problem, and I'm just being creative here, it's Dad's Tuesday. Kid has soccer in Tampa. Mom's responsible for getting the kid to soccer in Tampa and will pick up the kid and drive across the bridge and meet Dad at whatever place so the traffic isn't as much. Right? You both can share in the burden of driving. I stress to my parents and my clients, some of the best quality time I ever had with my kid was in the car.
Pete Wright:
They can't go anywhere.
Seth Nelson:
Right.
Pete Wright:
They're belted in.
Seth Nelson:
And if you can get them off the cell phone, you got a chance.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
Right?
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. But that's what a parent coordinator might do.
Pete Wright:
Well, and because it's in the name. A parent coordinator is the one, when parents appear to have their needs in mind first, it's the parent coordinator, check me when I start lying, who is focused on the kid.
Seth Nelson:
That's right. And they're focused on the parents, on how they communicate with each other. Because ultimately the parent coordinator isn't making the decision, nor should be on Tampa versus St. Pete soccer.
Pete Wright:
Right. That's not their business.
Seth Nelson:
What they're saying is, "How do we communicate about this and how do we get to a decision?"
Pete Wright:
Seth, according to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, about 10% of children live with a parent with an alcohol use disorder. You see that far too often, I imagine.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. And unfortunately, I don't see it going away. So if it's not going to go away, let's figure out how we're going to deal with it.
Pete Wright:
What are the things that that you look for in helping a separating parent with an allegation of alcohol abuse in the family? What are you looking to help them do?
Seth Nelson:
Show that it's not happening. It's simple. It's going to be a he said, she said. There'll be pictures and allegations. "I find bottles of alcohol underneath the mattress. They're out at a soccer game and in their tumbler is booze, not water."
You're going to hear all this sort of stuff. They're going to bring out all these other people to say what a drinker you are. Let's stop the he said, she said. Let's stop the litigation on this matter. Get onto Soberlink, which is third-party realtime independent verification on whether you've been drinking. It's a little device that you hold, you blow into it. It does your blood alcohol content, your BAC, in real time. It takes a photo of you.
In all my agreements and all my proposed court orders, I say that photo can only be used for litigation purposes and it's confidential information that can't be shared because you're not going to be posting that of your co-parent on social media. But what it does is glitch you, the one being accused of not being able to control your alcohol consumption, to show to the court, "When I'm with my kids, I'm not drinking. And it's more important for me to be with them than to have a drink, and here it is. So you can take everything she said, Judge, it doesn't matter because I'm going to show you I am sober."
Pete Wright:
This is a wonderful tool and it's a wonderful partner to this show, Soberlink. There are two models. One's a cellular model. If you're in the United States, you don't even need to connect it to a phone. It just works. But there is also a model that will connect to your phone. So you got your phone in your pocket, you blow into Soberlink, takes a picture, sends it to the people who need to know at the time they need to know it, when you are driving or about to drive your kids.
And so you can get started today. Easy. Soberlink has generously offered 50 bucks off your device. All you have to do is visit soberlink.com/toaster. That's soberlink.com/toaster to get started today. Our great thanks to Soberlink for sponsoring this show. Back me up a little bit. Who assigns a parent coordinator? Who decides a parent coordinator needs to be involved in the divorce?
Seth Nelson:
One of two ways. Court order. Pretty easy to get, by the way.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
Second is by agreement. And the reason-
Pete Wright:
The parents, in a rational state might say, "Oh, I know we're not generally good at communicating. We should have a ref."
Seth Nelson:
Well, you're very generous in how you stated that. It's usually the lawyer saying, "You need someone else other than me to go to court and fight about this stuff." The judge isn't going to deal with this stuff. We're not set up to it. Judges have 700 cases.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Right.
Seth Nelson:
We got to get these problems solved quicker. And then it always becomes about the money. Who pays for the parent coordinator?
Pete Wright:
That's the next question.
Seth Nelson:
So what we do a lot in our orders is it might be by percentage of income. It might be 50/50, but there's allowed to be a reallocation if one parent is stirring the pot. If you're the problem, you're going to be paying.
Pete Wright:
Interesting.
Seth Nelson:
Yep. Because what happens a lot is one person will keep calling the parrot coordinator. Problem, problem, problem from the other side. They're being irrational. They're not doing what this, they're not doing that. They get the other person on the side and they say, "Here's the email I sent. I used the steps that you told me to. I did bullet point fashion. I was brief, informative, friendly, and firm."
Our BIFF method we've talked about previously. "I said thank you at the end. I said, 'I appreciate your thoughts on those matters.' Here was my three different solutions. None of them were good. And then I got railed for being a rat." All this stuff.
Pete Wright:
Right.
Seth Nelson:
Parent coordinator says, "Dude, you're paying for this one."
Pete Wright:
The co-parent did their job.
Seth Nelson:
Right. I've had it in court where literally the parent coordinator says, "I am not taking this case anymore because this parent totally overruns the system, doesn't listen, takes control of the meetings, won't calm down." And I say, "Judge, okay. We'll go to another parent coordinator, but now this parent coordinator has to get up to speed again. I want that guy paying the first five grand." Judge has ordered that before.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. Okay. Speaking of the judge, what is the ongoing relationship between the parent coordinator and the court, particularly assuming that a court-ordered parent coordinator is involved in the divorce process?
Seth Nelson:
In Florida, depending on how your order is stated, whether it's agreed order or not, because, remember, court is limited on what they can do, but they're much more broader in being able to approve an agreement of the parties. So by way of example, if you want to say, "Hey, I'll pay for my kid's college", in Florida, you're not going to be required to pay for your kid's college.
But if you say it, the judge can sign off on it, and now it's a court order. So they just have broader ways to accept your deal. So if you have a deal that says parent coordinator, and under statute two, the parent coordinator can come in and give an update to the judge, they're allowed to do that. Which be careful what you're doing because that parent coordinator's going to have a lot of say, because that person's probably been in court before and that judge knows their quality or maybe they're not very good, but it's a very skillful lawyer to find out the information to show how the parent coordinator got it wrong.
Pete Wright:
Okay. So that is to say, if the parent coordinator... They're watching. Part of the process of conflict mediation and helping you execute your parenting plan and figuring out the driving schedule and all of those things, they're also watching you and your relationship with your kids.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah.
Pete Wright:
And if those things go south, that might be in a report that ends up in front of the judge [inaudible 00:15:13] and that might change something-
Seth Nelson:
And it's not so much the relationship with the kids because they might not be talking to the kids. But they can see what's happening. They can see who's being rational and reasonable. And this is okay. There can be two different rational approaches. People can have rational differences on how to parent, but it's when it becomes such a conflict between the parents that neither one can step back and say, "All right, let's try this way for a while and then do this."
Sometimes it's about medication. Sometimes it's about COVID. Sometimes it's about, like we talked about, extracurriculars. Sometimes it's about, "No, I don't think they need a tutor. No, I don't think they need to go to this doctor" because maybe that parent doesn't want that child labeled. Let's just deal with the behaviors. So I'm not saying that's all bad with people doing it, but usually when you get to parent coordination, there's just been a lot of conflict that's not set up for the court system to handle.
Pete Wright:
Beyond this sort of mediating conflict and helping the actual coordination, what else can co-parents expect from their parent coordinator? Can we expect, I don't know, classes, education? [inaudible 00:16:32]
Seth Nelson:
They can do that, but what I would ask part the parent coordinator to do is when we have a meeting, let's have an agenda to the meeting and let's stick to the agenda. That prevents people from hijacking the meeting. Don't tell me about something that happened last night. If it's not on the agenda, we'll talk about it next week.
Pete Wright:
Just kind of final question in our little parent coordination 101, what specifically counts as a red flag? If you were a parent coordinator and you're watching some behavior, is there some sort of trigger warning that's going to give you something to worry about?
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, it's usually a mental health professional that you're dealing with anyway. So signs of domestic violence, signs of drug addiction, alcohol addiction, any of that sort of stuff.
Pete Wright:
Always watching. Always watching. So we actually have a question. Can we transition to a question?
Seth Nelson:
Let's do it.
Pete Wright:
All right. This one comes in from Erin. Speaking of parenting, we just started down the official divorce process. Filed on April 1, so just for context, we are recording this, it is still in April of 2023. So Erin filed on April 1. Also just found out that I'm pregnant. I'm not sure how this might impact the divorce process, but I was just out with a girlfriend for dinner and she told me horror stories she's heard of judges not allowing divorces in this case. We don't have any questions around who the parent is. I want the child, I don't want the husband. Thanks in advance. Congratulations, and also, seriously, can't have a divorce?
Seth Nelson:
Okay, great question. Definitely check with your local jurisdiction. Get with a lawyer.
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
This is potentially one of the most disjointed areas of family law.
Pete Wright:
Seriously?
Seth Nelson:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
This feels so easy. This is why I'm not a lawyer.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. So one of the questions that you ask that the court has to take testimony on in Florida to the female getting a divorce, "Are you currently pregnant?" To the point where I have been in court, Pete, representing clients that are above the age of 60, where the court has to look at my female client and say, "Ma'am, are you currently pregnant"?
Pete Wright:
Goodness.
Seth Nelson:
Yes. Above the age of 70, I've seen it.
Pete Wright:
Fertility science is amazing. No judgment.
Seth Nelson:
Yes.
Pete Wright:
You never know.
Seth Nelson:
So here's the deal. In Florida, a child born of a marriage, intact marriage, there is a presumption that the husband or, really now, the spouse, the husband, is the biological father.
Pete Wright:
And this can-
Seth Nelson:
We all know that could not be the case.
Pete Wright:
Particularly if you're leading up to a divorce.
Seth Nelson:
Yes, exactly. And as this listener said, "We all know who the husband is."
Pete Wright:
Who the father is, of course.
Seth Nelson:
Yes. Who the father is. Excuse me. "We all know who the father is."
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
"I want the child. I don't want the husband." How is a independent finder of fact supposed to verify that statement? "Judge, we all agree he's the dad."
Pete Wright:
Okay.
Seth Nelson:
Get divorced. We're going to get a parenting plan. They have not done a DNA test on that kid. So some judges I have heard, I haven't had this case, will abate the case on parenting until that-
Pete Wright:
And just say, "No, kid has to be born first"?
Seth Nelson:
...to do the parenting. They might make you drag this on for nine months.
Pete Wright:
Wow.
Seth Nelson:
So when that happens, I try to get in there right away. I might bifurcate the case, try to get them divorced. I will do anything I can to not have this problem. So, yes, I don't know where this person is located, in what state. You've got to get to a lawyer and get that answer quickly.
Pete Wright:
It sounds like that's the number one bit of advice is act more quickly than you might think you should.
Seth Nelson:
Yes. Yes.
Pete Wright:
That's mind blowing.
Seth Nelson:
No, I've had clients who have been pregnant, I've gotten them divorced. We haven't had this issue. So there is hope.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
And the law on paternity is really where it's a quagmire because let's say this child is born during the marriage before you're divorced. You're going through the process, but the child's born. But not this situation. It's a different father. It's not your husband.
Pete Wright:
Yeah.
Seth Nelson:
There was all this crazy law that's starting to get cleaned up a bit, but it's a complicated area of law. In my crazy area of law where it used to be if the child was born to an intact marriage and you are the actual biological father, historically, you are not even allowed to bring a lawsuit to raise your child because it was born to an intact marriage. You don't have standing.
Pete Wright:
Wow.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah, it's changed, but it's crazy area of law. Yeah, it is conflict within the cases all the time. The statute isn't necessarily as clear it needs to be. So go see a lawyer. Try to get this resolved as quickly as possible.
Pete Wright:
Act quick. Wow. Erin, thank you for writing in. Congratulations on the pregnancy, and act now. I'm sorry that this question is answered so late for you, so definitely act now. Thank you very much. If you have questions, please send them our way. We would love to hear from you.
We'll put Seth on the spot again and ask those questions. Just head over to howtosplitatoaster.com and it'll take you right to a place you'll see a button says, "Ask a question." Click that, type in your question, we'll get an answer from the show. Thank you, Seth. As always, so appreciate you teaching me this entire episode. Parent Coordination 101. I love these little episodes, and I look forward to whatever comes next. On behalf of Seth Nelson, you know him, America's favorite divorce attorney, I'm Pete Wright. We'll catch you next time right here on How to Split A Toaster, a divorce podcast about saving your relationships.
Speaker 4:
Seth Nelson is an attorney with NLG Divorce and Family Law with offices in Tampa, Florida. While we may be discussing family law topics, How to Split a Toaster is not intended to, nor is it providing, legal advice. Every situation is different. If you have specific questions regarding your situation, please seek your own legal counsel with an attorney licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. Pete Wright is not an attorney or employee of NLG Divorce and Family Law. Seth Nelson is licensed to practice law in Florida.
