Overcoming Divorce and Breaking Through the Negative with Deborah Driggs
Meet Deborah Driggs
Today we’re talking with Deborah Driggs. Her experience with divorce, trauma and recovery has fueled her across the career landscape — from model to actor to sales to motivational speaker. She joins Seth and Pete in the Toaster to share the story of divorces in her own life – first her parents’ and later her own – and to explore how she learned the power of taking risks, staying positive, and offering help to those who need it. Her divorce sent her down some dark rabbit holes and it’s taken a long time to get out. But she has. Deborah talks about getting out of rejection and moving forward. She made the decision to not take ‘no’ for an answer, and that largely means from herself. That mental focus has put her in a place where she’s able to help others work through their own negativity and heal. It’s a powerful story of peaks and valleys but always leading toward peace and healing.
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About Deborah
From her start as a Playboy Centerfold and Covergirl to her life as a Screen Actors’ Guild member and then a top-rated insurance industry professional, Deborah Driggs has had to clear many hurdles in life to make it these things happen. And while it may seem like Deborah’s success came easy to her, nothing could be further from the truth. Rather, she’s overcome a number of challenges in her life to get to where she is today but what is true, and a part of her character, is her willingness to take risks, maintain a positive attitude, and never take ‘no’ for an answer.
Deborah grew up as a latch-key in a broken working - class home but before her family fell apart, her earliest dream was to become an ice-skating athlete and to compete in the Olympics. From the age of seven when she first put on ice skates, Deborah was willing to practice each morning from 4 a.m. to 6 a.m. and then again, after school, for several hours a day to master her figure eights.
Unfortunately, her dreams came to an end when her parents divorced and she and her sister and mother were separated. All throughout high school, she worked at minimum wage jobs to pay for her clothing, school supplies and necessities as her father did not provide any financial support. Her first job was working in a flower shop at a cemetery, then as a fast-food waitress and a drugstore clerk. As these jobs took their toll on her ability to do her schoolwork, her grades fell and her almost dropped out of high school. However, she was able to negotiate a solution with her teacher and managed to graduate with the rest of her class. This was her first experience with learning to never to take “no” for an answer.
Pursuing her interest in dance, Deborah won the audition to join the USFL cheerleading squad in their first year and then went on to join a professional dance company touring Japan. After that ended, she returned to Los Angeles and began her modeling career which led to the famous Playboy audition. This audition was a major game changer for Deborah. After being asked to pose as a centerfold, she was then invited to also grace the cover of the, then, leading men’s magazine in the world for the March and April 1990 issues. These two projects launched Deborah’s “star quality” and led to new opportunities as a Video Jockey (VJ) for the Playboy Channel’s “Hot Rock,” and appearances in several rock videos. In order to improve her acting ability, Deborah signed up for the two-year Meisner Acting Techniques program at world-renown Baron Brown acting studio. After completing that program, she went on to new roles in TV and film as a member of the Screen Actors Guild. Marriage and children then followed and for a while, Deborah put aside her acting career to focus on her family. However, when her marriage ended, she found herself having to support her three children. Returning to the working world, Deborah took whatever jobs she could find in her new home of Park City, Utah. Over the next five years, she served as the manager of a day spa and then a residential realtor for the second home market -- until the market crashed in 2008. Realizing that she had to reinvent herself, Deborah took a big risk: after a chance meeting with an executive in the print procurement industry, she asked for the opportunity to try her hand in global print sales. For this, she used her wealth of contacts in the entertainment business to open doors for this company, and then followed that up with her persistent winning attitude. Her meetings with high-level power brokers paid off, almost immediately, and she was able to turn her part-time position into the role of Vice President of Business Development within a year, making inroads that the company had never before achieved.
Deborah’s transition into the insurance world started off in the same vein – with a challenge to herself. Despite her personal insecurities about being new in the business, Deborah put in long hours of study. Keying into her business contacts in the entertainment arena, she began to build her book of business very rapidly. By the end of her first year, she was a top producer, followed by ongoing years of membership in the Million Dollar Roundtable, Top of the Table, and as a contributing member in Leadership for Advanced Life Underwriting (AALU). Deborah’s clients have included movie studio moguls, celebrities, Fortune 500 leaders, and high net-worth individuals. From what she has learned in her ten years in the insurance industry, and from where she has come, Deborah’s goal is to provide financial guidance to her clients, treating each with respect and remaining available for their needs. Over the past two decades, Deborah has worked on her inner reserves, as well, participating as a member of Tony Robbins’ Platinum Lions Partnership. She has lent her support to a number of nonprofits that make a difference in people’s lives, including: Richard Branson’s Virgin Unite, Go Campaign, Operation Underground Railroad (#OURrescue), Cut50, Reform Alliance with Van Jones and in funding a school in Peru.
On January 11, 2020, Deborah began sharing her winning business strategies in a talk she calls, “Not Taking No for an Answer,” as part of “Unblinded: The Business Breakthrough Game Sales Mastery Immersion Event.” Since then, she has appeared on a number of podcasts, YouTube and Facebook Live interviews and as a motivational speaker for other virtual events. Dedicated to helping women breakthrough negative, self-talk and take on any challenge to which they set their minds, Deborah knows how much of a difference it can make to have a helping hand when one needs it the most.
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Pete Wright:
Welcome to How To Split A Toaster, a divorce podcast about saving your relationships from true story FM. Today, your toaster won't take no for an answer.
Seth Nelson:
Welcome to the show, everybody. I'm Seth Nelson, and as always, I'm here with my good friend, Pete Wright. Today, we're talking to Deborah Driggs. Her experience with divorce, trauma and recovery has fueled her across the career landscape from model to actor, to sales, to motivational speaker. She's with us today to share the story of divorces in her own life. First her parents, and later her own, and to explore how she learned the power of taking risks, staying positive, and offering help to those who are in need. Deborah, welcome to the Toaster.
Deborah Driggs:
Hey, thank you so much for having me. It's a great topic. So I could have used you guys back in, God, 2003. I could have used your help.
Pete Wright:
You've got this, the motto you're under now, this not taking no for an answer is based on a talk you started giving in early 2020. And we'll hear about kind of that at the end. I'm curious how you get to that place, where you realize, hey, I have not only the experience and expertise here, but I have the voice that needs to share it and educate on it.
Deborah Driggs:
I think a lot of my background got me to the place of, hey, no means maybe. Or the other thing I would always say is next very quickly, because when you sit in rejection too long, it will resist you from moving forward and going on to the next sale. So no means maybe really probably came from all the rejection I got in acting and modeling. I went on thousands of auditions and maybe you get one, you get one. So the longer you stay in the game, you start to realize these things. And that's what I hope to share with other people is stay in the game, stay in line. Don't get out of line because then you got to start all over with something else.
Pete Wright:
So we're doing the whole thing in reverse, right? So now let's talk about your life changes that led you to this point. Divorce podcast. We got to talk about divorce and how it impacted your experience.
Deborah Driggs:
Important subject.
Pete Wright:
It's kind of an important subject for this show. Where do you start when you think about how you integrated your divorce experience into your life? Tell us the story.
Deborah Driggs:
Well, my divorce brought me to my knees. That is a fact. Literally brought me to my knees. I was with my mom and we were at a store called RC Willie. And this is in Salt Lake City for anybody that knows. And we're walking around the store and I literally fell to my knees and I was hysterically crying and I don't usually do that hysterically crying. So I knew I was either having some sort of episode. And my poor mother who's kind of stoic herself, she was just like, didn't know what to do. And thank God we were kind of near the bed section. And I just laid on one of those mattress.
Seth Nelson:
That's convenient.
Deborah Driggs:
It really was, because I just laid there like I was pretending like I was trying out the mattress and I was crying. And I remember I called my wasband, and I said-
Pete Wright:
Wait a minute, I just have to stop. If I had a bell, I would ring it. I have never heard that before. And I love it so hard. My wasband?
Deborah Driggs:
I don't like the word ex.
Seth Nelson:
Well that's funny Deborah, because I never used the term ex. I always say former spouse.
Deborah Driggs:
Former spouse, wasband. Something that doesn't make you feel bad about it.
Pete Wright:
Well, I love it so much.
Seth Nelson:
What's for former spouse that was a wife? [inaudible 00:04:13] Do we have one?
Pete Wright:
No, I don't have one.
Deborah Driggs:
Oh, that's a good, I don't know. We'll have to come up with that. Okay. I'm on it.
Seth Nelson:
But you're in this store because I'm really captivated by this scene that you've laid out. Were you thinking about your divorce at the time? Is that when-
Deborah Driggs:
I was regretting. I was in a complete regret moment.
Seth Nelson:
So, but were you already divorced?
Deborah Driggs:
Yes. We were already divorced.
Pete Wright:
This is the thing that Seth and I, we've talked about this before. It's like the surprising place that grief hits you. For you, it's in RC Willie, and it drops you to your knees.
Deborah Driggs:
To my knees. And Tony Robbins says this all the time. Nothing will bring you to your knees quicker than a relationship that doesn't work out. And when he said that I was like, it happened to me. It literally happened to me. I was on my knees and I remember I called, I was in that moment of I fucked up and I really did. Because I really married somebody that was a good, good one. He was a good one. And I just was a mess. I really was. And that's really hard for me to admit because I was. I was a mess. I was only looking at his part. I never took the time to look at my part and what I was bringing to the table. And that took me a lot of years to figure out. It took a lot of work. But yeah. So I called him. I called him and I said, "We can't do this. We cannot do this. We have kids. I made a mistake. I'll do whatever it takes." And he said, "It's too late."
Pete Wright:
Oh my goodness.
Seth Nelson:
And that's like part of grief process too though.
Deborah Driggs:
I could cry right now just thinking about that moment that I was on the phone because I'd realized not only did I mess up horribly for my marriage, but I messed up horribly for my kids.
Seth Nelson:
Yeah. But what you just described where you guys were at two different points is you realized it, you were still in grief, you were in the bargaining phase where you're like, I'll do anything, which isn't actually what you were saying. That's how it feels at the time. There's certainly boundaries that you had set for yourself. And then he was already at acceptance. It's too late. That's that microcosm.
Deborah Driggs:
It was too late. And then it just got worse for me because I never got over that. I really didn't. And I spent probably the next few years, that tape recorder, just playing over and over and then we get into there's other stuff. He gets remarried really quick. Ugh.
Seth Nelson:
That statistically happens. Guys typically get married much quicker, remarried than women. Statistically.
Deborah Driggs:
Yeah. So October 2004, we signed the divorce. July 2005, he goes to a courthouse and gets remarried. And I literally, I called his dad. I said, "No, stop." I'm still grieving the divorce. And it's like I couldn't, it was all too much. And it's too bad for me. It's like, that's not his problem. It was my problem. And it was all too much. I just really couldn't then, I couldn't breathe. I was just like, I can't breathe.
Seth Nelson:
So how'd you get out of all that?
Deborah Driggs:
Not a good story. So in 2008, I'm going to talk about this because I just wrote a chapter in a book. I was asked to be an author in a book. It's a collaboration with a lot of women authors. And so it's going to come out. So I'm just going to say it. In 2008, I couldn't bear it, so I took a bottle of pills and followed it with a bottle of vodka and ended up in a really bad situation. So it had gotten to that point and I woke up in a hospital.
There was a police officer in my room and my friend who got me there. And I said, "Is he here for the person who's next to me?" And he goes, "Are you out of your mind? He's here for you." And that's when it hit me that I had really gone down the rabbit hole. And I went, "What?" And he is like, "Deborah, you tried to kill yourself." And I was like, okay. So I ended up in a lockdown situation where they literally put me in lockdown. And while I was in lockdown, I thought, I cannot believe my life got to this point.
Seth Nelson:
Did you feel like you were living someone else's life?
Deborah Driggs:
Oh God, it was like I was in a really bad nightmare. A really bad nightmare. And there was no solution in sight really for me. I remember that I had this moment in lockdown where I thought, you really, I mean, you've got kids, you've got family. I mean, everybody was freaking out. And they gave me a choice in lockdown. They said, and I'm in the state of Utah, and they don't look too kindly on suicide attempt. And so they gave me a choice. I could go in front of a court or I could go to rehab. And so I chose rehab, which was really a good thing for me because-
Seth Nelson:
Saved your life.
Deborah Driggs:
It saved my life, but it also really made me come to terms with the fact that I have an addiction. I'm an alcoholic. And that alcoholism, that ism, not so much the drinking, but the ism is what I really suffer for, that emotional ism. And that's probably what got me to the point of I want a divorce. Because I had that ism and I didn't know, I didn't know that I had that going on inside of me. And so that really affected my divorce. And so it took a lot of years and a lot of help to get to a place of healing. And even to this day, believe me, guys, this is not... There's work to be done always. I have found that you don't wake up one day and it's like, okay, I got this. And no, I had to put myself in rehab in 2020. I call it a rehab, but it was really a week of trauma work. And in that week, that's when I did the work on my divorce.
Pete Wright:
In 2020 on a divorce that was signed in 2004?
Deborah Driggs:
I did work on my divorce in 2020, because you get to do this extreme trauma work there. And I chose to do that because that was still on my mind. I felt like such a failure. And I felt like I had really, oh, I could get so emotional talking about this, but I really did. I felt like a failure. I felt like I really let a lot of people down. And so I had to work through that and get to the other side.
Seth Nelson:
Do you think now that you're on the other side that for example, that the people you're saying you let down, did they feel let down from the actual divorce or was it because of the other stuff going on?
Deborah Driggs:
Well, the divorce affected everybody.
Seth Nelson:
It always does.
Deborah Driggs:
It always does. And then when you add in all the other things. My emotional stability was off. My alcoholism was progressing and it really progressed after my divorce.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. How weird.
Deborah Driggs:
How funny, how ironic. There's no accident that that divorce unlocked this trauma inside of me that I had been feeling since you mentioned it since my parents' divorce. Since all the traumas from my childhood. All that divorce really did was open up a lot of wounds. And then it was like, which one do you deal with first?
Seth Nelson:
The floodgates are coming.
Deborah Driggs:
It's a rabbit hole effect. And I couldn't, I didn't have the tools to handle any of it. It was so devastating and incomprehensible, the stuff that was going on in my life. And so yeah, when I went and did that trauma work in 2020, it was so good. It wasn't for anybody else. It was for me, it just was for me. And they actually had me play out where somebody in my... We were in a group of, I think we had nine people in my group, and you choose somebody to play your husband. And he sat across from me while I did my work as if he was, and I got to say everything that I never was able to say to my wasband. The things that I wasn't able to say to him, I was able to say finally, and it doesn't make anything right. It doesn't change what happened. But what it does is I was able to forgive myself, and I was able to forgive all the other players because it takes two.
Seth Nelson:
Right. But Deborah let's talk about, I mean we really say this is a divorce podcast about saving your relationships. And the very first relationship is the one with yourself.
Deborah Driggs:
Yes.
Seth Nelson:
And it took you a long time to get there.
Deborah Driggs:
Guess what? I didn't have a relationship with myself. So you wonder when two people get into these relationships and it's like, imagine this, okay. Imagine. I come to you and I've got my arms. You can't see my arms, but I've got my arms and there's pillows just stacked. Okay. Maybe there's one from my childhood, maybe I was abused. Maybe there's one from some teacher, maybe there's an accident, a death, whatever. I come to the relationship with all these pillows and I say, "Hey, could you hold these pillows? No, no, no. To the left. No, no, no. To the right. No, you're not doing it right. Here, give them back." And then I go to the next person. It's like we come to relationships with all these things that we've never worked on. And I have to tell you, the fact that I have 14 years of marriage with the ups and downs that we had and the deep love that we had.
I mean, I'll just say for me, I was very much in love with my husband. I think when I look back, I think there's a reason why I haven't really gotten remarried because I knew that I had a lot of work to do on my myself before I could really give anybody else that love. And so yeah, that's the kind of stuff that I think when you get into a relationship and you're not a whole person, like you haven't worked on all those things, it's really hard to give another person a hundred percent of yourself, because really the whole point is to go to a relationship to give, not to get.
Pete Wright:
The whole conceit here that is just landing on me is when you come for a divorce to your attorney, you're talking to Seth, there is a point at which the divorce process is ostensibly finished. But the divorce is not finished. I mean, here, we're talking about it 15, 16, 17 years later. And it's still clearly raw.
Deborah Driggs:
Absolutely. For me it was years I was raw. I was so raw. There was no way, and look, it's been a long time since I got divorced and I've had a lot of beautiful men come into my life. And I wasn't ready. And it's interesting because when I look back and especially after I did that work in 2020, I realized, okay, when the student's ready, the teacher appears. It's kind of like I get it because I really didn't want to go through what I went through in my divorce. I'm really shy about going into something head on right now when I knew that I was not capable of handling another divorce. And listen, I have friends that have been married five times and I think to myself, I'm not that person.
Seth Nelson:
Right. But Deborah, I hear that all the time where people will say at the end of their divorce process, "I am never getting married again." And the only reason they're saying it is because they're really saying I'm never going through this divorce process again. That's what they're really afraid of. It's not that they're afraid of being married and being in a wonderful relationship that has the give and take. And like you said, you're in a relationship to give, not to take and to live this amazing life and to share your life and walk the earth with somebody till the end of your days. It's they don't want to deal with guys like me. They don't want to deal with the legal system. They don't want to deal with the emotional aspects of dividing your stuff and letting people down. And I stood up in front of everyone and said, "I do" for life. And we have kids. That's what they don't want.
And that is a huge impediment to people moving on and saying, "I am ready for a relationship. I'm ready to have a committed relationship. I'm ready to get married. And it doesn't have to change who I am or our relationship with my soon to be spouse, or committed partner or whatever boyfriend," whatever term you want to use to identify people. That is commonplace that people struggle with that. And I mean, I ran into someone the other day and they said, "How you doing?" I said, "Oh, I got engaged." They're like, "Oh my God, you're doing that again?" And I was like, "The engagement part was great on the first time. That wasn't where the problems were." And they were still raw from the divorce where they just weren't ready to say that they'll get married. And I hear that all the time years later, but you point out the fact that maybe if you're still saying I don't want to get married, I won't get married, maybe you haven't really dealt with.
Deborah Driggs:
Yeah. And so that's different today. Now I realize I'm in a place where now I'm more open to it. But the thing that I really, because now that I've done all this healing and this is what I speak about a lot is healing in general, not just for divorce, but just in general, is to how to prevent going down the road of divorce. I wish the things that I know now, I would've known and I would've gotten help in 2003. I would've gotten help for the things that I was suffering with. And so when I talk with people or people come to me for a coaching session or whatever, I always say, before you get the divorce, before you go down that road, make sure you exhaust all the possibilities out there because you don't want to be, listen, take it from me, you don't want to be in a position where you're going to regret doing something that is a really big decision. It really is.
Seth Nelson:
I'll speak to that for a minute, Deborah, because I get what we call potential clients. And I'll get a call from, "My wife just filed. I got served with papers too. I think my spouse is going to file for divorce too. I want my marriage to work. I don't know if it's going to, what do I need to get prepared for? I'm not ready to do this now." And I always tell them like, you called me. I'm not like doing robo calls. Hey, you thinking about a divorce? And we meet people where they are. It's a different conversation I have when someone says, "Oh my God, I have 20 days to answer. I'm freaking out. I've just been sued in divorce court." Compared to someone that says, "Hey, I'm thinking about this. What do I have to do?"
And on the latter one, I'm thinking about this, I'll talk more about have you done all the hard work? Have you gone to counseling? Have you the work for yourself? I can tell you the basics about a parenting plan and dividing assets and how alimony works in Florida and child support. We'll go through all that and the horrible legal process you have to go through. But is that what you're really asking me? Or are you asking me, what can I do to still avoid a divorce? And that's where I think the attorney and counselor at law comes in. I'm not a marriage counselor. I will refer people out, but you've got to meet your clients where they are and see if you can help them, even if it's for an initial half hour consultation.
Deborah Driggs:
Yeah. I think it'd be really a great thing now. And especially in today's world to say, "Before you come to me, I have somebody you should go talk to that might change your mind." If I had done just a little bit of work on myself before I made this decision, I mean, I don't know. I don't like to play the what if game, that's not my style, but I do think about it. I think about where I am today. I am not that person anymore. And I live a much different life and that is something to really look at. So like I said, when I have people come and ask me what should I do? What should I do? I'm not here to give anybody answers on anything. I can guide.
I can guide you. I can share my experience and say try to do some type of 30 day program because there's always something inside each individual that's debilitating them in the marriage. People don't divorce for a lack of love usually. It's usually something else. You know, I didn't leave my husband because I didn't love him. I still love him. I can say that. I still have very fond, very loving thoughts for him. So there should be something of like, let's take 30 days, let's do these things. And after 30 days, if you feel the same way, okay, we can go down this road. But if you just do this work for 30 days, it might put on a different pair of lenses. It might remind you of where you were when you got married.
Pete Wright:
Well, and I want to talk a little bit about that and change directions just briefly, because I feel like there are some lessons learned here. We've already sort of teased this concept that when a divorce happens, it impacts everybody. And it feels like from others we've talked to, had on the show, we talk about the divorce stories, that all eyes are on you while you're getting a divorce. And in your case, both you and your wasband actually did have eyes on you through your divorce, right? You both had a degree of celebrity at the time of your marriage and divorce. And I wonder if you could reflect a little bit on the experience of essentially getting divorced, like living your marriage in public like that.
Deborah Driggs:
We were very fortunate that we were very private. We were raising our kids in Park City, Utah in a very small town. And nobody really paid attention to that. I will say this. People were really shocked when we got divorced. I would get calls. "Wait, you guys? You guys are like, you're so in love. What?" Like, people were pretty baffled that we were getting divorced.
Pete Wright:
I can totally relate to that. Even just meeting you right now and doing research for this conversation, my thought as an outsider, looking at pictures of you on the internet at the time, I'm like, they are so hot. Of course they're a perfect couple, right? It is so easy to get wrapped up in that story that I've told myself and disregard everything you're actually living through.
Deborah Driggs:
Yeah. And so I had people say, "Really? You guys?" Because we were really fun together. And I don't think I ever called him Mitch. I always called him lover. "Hey, lover, where are you?" "Hey lover, what's going on?" There was always these really playful, beautiful. And it wasn't like some married couples just have no chemistry whatsoever. We had tons of chemistry. And even with three kids, we had three children back to back. And so yeah, I think for the people in our lives, it was like, wait, what? No.
Seth Nelson:
But that happens I think all the time. Yeah. First off, it's different when anyone who has any bit of celebrity, however you're going to define that term gets divorced, especially in the modern age with all the social media. And it's just everywhere.
Deborah Driggs:
But we didn't have it back then.
Seth Nelson:
Right. Which is fortunate.
Deborah Driggs:
Which is really fortunate, trust me because...
Seth Nelson:
When people come to me and one of them's saying, "Oh, I'm going to take you to court. Everything is going to get, all the dirty laundry's coming out." And they talk to me about that, I'm like, nobody cares. If you actually knew how often people thought about you in your marriage, it's so small in their life, like how little they actually think about you. And it's going to be like, "Oh my God, that's really, really terrible that they're going through that." Or, "Oh my God, this person totally blew up their life. Look at all this crazy stuff they did." And then the next thing you're going to hear from is, "Oh, let's go grab a drink. Let's go hang out." We're back to our own lives.
Deborah Driggs:
Although I find it really fascinating that everyone is glued to this Amber Heard and Johnny Depp debacle. It's like the most crazy thing that thousands and hundreds of thousands of people are tuned in for this nonsense really.
Seth Nelson:
But I think that concept of what happens is, and this is just the psychology stuff that I've read, is that is people just saying, look at these people who are airing all this stuff out in public and in today's world, it's magnified like we said, because of social media. And everybody has an opinion and everybody has something to say, but how long are they really engaged in that? And what, if anything, is anyone saying meaningful? It's easy to do a post or make a comment. But look, at the end of the day, those same people have to go live their lives, pay their mortgage, get their kids to school, do their job.
But what we see is the cumulative effect of all those people. So it looks like it's happening all the time. But even for those people that are really invested in how much during the day, and kind of what's going on in their own lives. But the people in my world, let me tell you. You go into divorce court and you're in a two day trial or a full day trial, there's going to be the following people in the courtroom. Both lawyers, both parties. The judge, the bailiff, the court reporter. We're up to seven. And if you happen to have another witness that's on the stand, the witness. Eight. Maybe a lawyer or two has somebody else a paralegal there. There's nobody sitting in the back of the courtroom like you see in the movies. Nobody cares. And if they do care, they're not coming down on Wednesday at two o'clock because they've got to be at work.
Deborah Driggs:
Yep. It's true.
Pete Wright:
According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, approximately 10% of children live with a parent with an alcohol use disorder.
Seth Nelson:
This is an alarming statistic as a family law professional who deals with custody cases regularly.
Pete Wright:
Finding the balance between the child safety and helping the child maintain a relationship with both parents is one of the hardest things to navigate. Add in the he said, she said phenomenon that happens with divorcing couples who often weaponize alcohol use against one another, and the situation is even more difficult.
Seth Nelson:
All of this is why Soberlink has been one of the most important tools for my clients dealing with these issues. Soberlink's remote alcohol monitoring tool has helped over 500,000 people prove their sobriety and provide peace of mind regarding the child's safety. Soberlink helps keep the focus on the best interest of the child, which is really the most important part in the divorce case dealing with children. I've teamed up with Soberlink to create a parenting plan guide to help people going through divorce that involves alcohol and children.
Pete Wright:
And you can download it today at soberlink.com/toaster. And if you take a look and you think you're ready to order Soberlink, just mention How To Split A Toaster for $50 off their device price.
Seth Nelson:
Our thanks to Soberlink for sponsoring How To Split A Toaster.
Pete Wright:
Okay. So the divorce, challenging. The next four years, significantly challenging. At some point you're able to turn a corner and find some sort of light, some sort of positive attitude. Do you remember when you turned that corner and realized oh yeah, I'm me. I can do something new.
Deborah Driggs:
I think I covered up for a lot of years with the success of business.
Pete Wright:
Totally changed gears.
Deborah Driggs:
I changed gears completely and got very independent in business. And through that success brought up other stuff because now all of a sudden I had this freedom and I had never thought of myself as a business person. And so now I had all this stuff going on with that. And even that wasn't making me happy. So these are such great lessons in life. It's kind of a bummer that we can't learn this right out of the gate.
Pete Wright:
This wasn't in the manual, where's the damn manual?
Deborah Driggs:
It was not.
Seth Nelson:
Just Google How To Split A Toaster, Pete. There's the manual.
Deborah Driggs:
I mean, I had all this great success. I met a lot of my goals. I've done a lot of great things that should bring happiness and it just wasn't. So I kept going, if I just had this relationship, everything would be great. Well, I had that relationship. If I just made this much money, everything would be great. Well, I did that. If I just got into the best shape of my life, I would be happy. I did that. So the moral of the story is that nothing is going to bring this happiness, nothing external. Nothing. Because I've tried it, I've tried it all. And I've succeeded. Some people don't even get to succeed in all those different things.
Pete Wright:
Yeah. They don't even get to the point where they realize this thing isn't going to give me happiness. The money [inaudible 00:32:26].
Deborah Driggs:
So today my life is completely different. Like I said, I live a very different life. It's not about all those addictions because it wasn't just alcoholism. I have ism, which is okay, if I'm going to buy a pair of shoes, I buy 10. It's like nothing. One is not enough.
Seth Nelson:
That's not an ism. And they're all black and every woman I ever met can get another pair of black shoes.
Deborah Driggs:
Shopping is an ism. Shopping, gambling, sex, love, alcohol, drugs, anything. Food, it's all part of this thing. So when you give one up another one creeps in. And so for me, it was shopping. And then I had to stop that. And then another one creeps in, it becomes like chocolate and chips. It's like, it doesn't matter what it is.
Seth Nelson:
I have the song And A Few Of My Favorite Things going through my head right now.
Deborah Driggs:
Yeah. And trust me. But see, I have that thing where I don't have like, oh, I can try that. And that's great. I want to divulge. So my life is different today. The external stuff doesn't work. At least not for this human being. And so for me, it's a very simple life. I have a routine. I spend a lot of time writing. I spend a lot of time doing podcasts and coaching other people. And if somebody would've told me five years ago, "Okay. So here's the deal. You're going to be a coach. You're going to write a weekly blog, and you're going to write a memoir about addiction."
I would be like, it's never going to happen. Here we are five years later and all of those things, my whole life is about being of service. It's like, who can I help today? Okay. I'm going to write this blog. And hopefully it'll reach somebody that's suffering with this. Because I know from experience that I spent a majority of my life quietly suffering. I never asked for help. I never told anybody. I never told anybody I felt suicidal. And by the way, I don't want to die, but I have those feelings.
Pete Wright:
That's the trick of grief.
Deborah Driggs:
That's scary to walk around feeling that you want to harm yourself or that you don't feel you're worth being on this planet. And you don't tell anybody about that. And I did that for years. I would be, by the way, at the height of my career, whatever on the cover of a magazine and showing up to do some press thing. And on the inside, on the outside, everybody's like I'm doing all the stuff.
Pete Wright:
Pictures and flash bulbs and all the good stuff.
Deborah Driggs:
And on the inside-
Seth Nelson:
Right. But Deborah, hold on on that. Let me back up, because you said something really important, is that what I think I heard you say is I didn't ask for help. So you help people now. I'm in the helping business, though people don't view divorce lawyers necessarily like that.
Pete Wright:
Hold on, I have to laugh a minute.
Deborah Driggs:
You cost a lot more money than me. That's why I'm saying hey people, come talk to me first. I'm a lot cheaper and I might really actually help.
Seth Nelson:
Okay, we got to talk to Andy, our producer, to make sure some of this gets cut out. Okay.
Deborah Driggs:
No, no.
Seth Nelson:
But you don't just call people. I don't just call people saying, "Hey, you looking for help?" So one is, how do you get to the point where you say I need help? In the divorce world, it's a lot easier. Someone serves you with divorce papers, you know you need help.
Deborah Driggs:
Well, I waited. So going back to my earlier story, I waited. I let it go too long to the point where I was suffocating and tried to kill myself literally with a bottle of pills.
Seth Nelson:
So that was rock bottom.
Deborah Driggs:
That was rock bottom. That was immortalizing demoralization at its finest.
Seth Nelson:
That's what made you realize I need help? So now-
Deborah Driggs:
No. Let me be brutally honest about this. That forced me into getting help. There's a difference. I didn't know how to get help, but that forced me into it. When I really asked for help, I think was in about 2016, 17, somewhere around then is when my healing journey started. I thought, okay, I've done everything that would bring anybody else out there a lot of happiness and I'm suffering. I'm still suffering. This is a slow death, people. It's like, so why would you want to be living and breathing every day if you're suffering quietly on the inside?
Seth Nelson:
Well, that's the question I ask people when they call me and they say, "Well, should I get a divorce?" I say, "Well, that's a personal decision, but I have a question for you. Do you want to feel the same way you feel now two years from now?" And they always say no. And if the answer to that is no, then you've got to make some changes. You either have to make some changes in yourself and work on those with your partner to be in this marriage, or you need to make some changes with yourself and get out of the marriage, but you can't keep doing what you're doing.
Deborah Driggs:
That is such a great question. Do you, you is the key word. Do you want to feel this way two years from now? And that's the key word because if you don't do the 30 to 90 day work on yourself, you may never know. If I had done the 90 day work that I do now, that I do personally, that I've created. If I did this work back then, my answer would've been completely different. Wouldn't have been about him. It would've been about me. I would've looked at my part, what I was bringing to the table, what I was doing wrong, what I needed to improve on, not him. I loved him.
Unfortunately, he got the brunt of it. Unfortunately, he did not know. Honestly, he did not know that I was suffering so horribly. He had glimpses of it, but he didn't know the depth of what was really going on with me. And that can be very confusing in a marriage when you're in a marriage and you don't really know what's going on with the other partner because you're so consumed with yourself and how everything's affecting you. So I think that the most beautiful thing that two people can do is work on themselves first before they start looking at, because really what we're doing is we're looking at all the things we don't like in ourself when we should be looking at all the beautiful things we love in this person.
Pete Wright:
This has been lovely, Deborah. Thank you first of all for joining us and for sharing your insights and experience. I feel like there's so much to plum. We could do this all day but when you're talking about doing the work yourself and now helping people, let's go ahead and talk about where you want to send people to learn more about the work that you do and where they can reach out for your wisdom.
Deborah Driggs:
Absolutely. Before you go down the road of getting a divorce, come to me, please come to me. I'll give you a free consultation. If you're listening to the show and you feel like you want to get a divorce or you feel like you're in a relationship and you want to end the relationship, I'll give you a free consultation. Just mention that you heard me on this show and we'll do a free consultation.
Seth Nelson:
Deborah, are those confidential?
Deborah Driggs:
Absolutely.
Seth Nelson:
And the reason I ask, because I'm worried, Pete's going to call you about ending a relationship with me.
Pete Wright:
You should always be on your toes, Nelson.
Deborah Driggs:
And if you don't like your partner. But yeah, so come to my website, which is deborahdriggs.com. So it's my name dot com. Here are the things that happen when you come to my website. I make it really simple. You can find me on all my social media. I don't have to list it all off right here. Just come to my website, sign up for my free newsletter. It's free. And by the way, coming soon, I have a free gift coming to all my subscribers.
Pete Wright:
Is it a pizza?
Deborah Driggs:
No, it's not a pizza. It's something that will last forever. So yeah, so it's a free gift to my subscribers. If you come to my website, you can link on to all my social media so you know exactly where I am. All my blogs that I've written, I just wrote this week was my 52nd blog. So I wrote a blog.
Pete Wright:
I saw that you did your 52 week challenge. Congratulations.
Deborah Driggs:
I did my 52 week challenge. By the way, when I first set out, my team said why don't you write a blog for the website? And so we're thinking maybe once a month, maybe once every couple months. And me being me said well, if I'm going to do this, then I'm going to do it. Let's do one a week. And so, I did it. So this week was 52 weeks of blogs.
Pete Wright:
Good for you.
Deborah Driggs:
And then here's how the universe works going back to no means maybe. And just how I believe that everything's a spiritual game. Is by doing that blog, people start to read it because I put it on my Facebook page. And so I got a call to be a guest author in a book, and that's the book that's coming out July 7th. This is why you want to come to my website.
Pete Wright:
What's the book called? Do you know?
Deborah Driggs:
Of course I know. It's called Here Comes The Sun. All women authors women that went through something dark and had to pull themselves out. So there's a lot of great chapters and a lot of great stories. And it's just filled with a lot of hope for anybody that's going through a dark time. So you really want to come to my website because there's going to be a launch on July 7th and you can get the book, you can download it for $1.99 How awesome is that? And that's only going to be for a 24 48 hour period. So there's many reasons to come to my website. Many. I also have another book coming out and I'll just mention this real quick. It's called Son of [inaudible 00:42:43]. My grandfather wrote this book.
What I found inspiring about the book when I read it was I didn't know, half of the things that I read about my grandfather. And there was a lot of trauma, a lot of trauma, and that's intriguing to me because I really believe that's in my nervous system as a parent. Whatever's in my nervous system is my kids are getting that. They didn't ask for it, but they're getting it. And that's kind of what I felt is that all this trauma that my grandfather went through, my mother got, I got. And so when I looked at that, I was like, here's an opportunity to kind of look at these family systems and these traumas and we have to break these cycles.
And so I read it three times. I couldn't believe how good it was. So I kind of did some editing and rewriting in it and then it's going to be published in November. And so that's really exciting. That's like been the biggest project that I've been working on. So again, these are reasons why if you come to my website, you get my newsletter, all these things. You'll have an opportunity, you'll know in advance when there's really fun stuff coming out. And then next year my memoir will be coming out.
Pete Wright:
You're busy. Well, we will put links into all of this stuff in the show notes. Deborah again, thank you so much for sharing a bit of your life with us today.
Deborah Driggs:
Thank you. Thank you guys. Thank you Andy, Pete, Seth. It was so wonderful to be here.
Pete Wright:
Wow. Even Andy's getting a call out there.
Seth Nelson:
We'll cut that. Don't worry. We don't want to give him too much. We don't want to give him too much.
Deborah Driggs:
Well, he does the real work.
Pete Wright:
That's right.
Deborah Driggs:
Andy does the real work. We just show up and gab and he's in the background doing all the work, so yes of course.
Pete Wright:
I can already see him writing the email that he wants to raise. So please just stop. We really appreciate you Deborah. Thank you so much for being here on behalf of, and don't forget everybody, please jump over to the show notes. You'll find a link to ask us a question. If you have any questions, divorce questions, please send him our way. Seth would love to start digging into your divorce process.
Seth Nelson:
Let's do it.
Deborah Driggs:
And if I can't help you, I promise I'll send you to Seth.
Seth Nelson:
There you go. [inaudible 00:45:02] I've had that joke teed up. I didn't say it. I've been holding it back. Deborah, thanks so much.
Deborah Driggs:
Thank you.
Pete Wright:
On behalf of the fantastic Deborah Driggs and America's favorite divorce attorney Seth Nelson, I'm Pete Wright. We will catch you back here next week on How To Split A Toaster, a divorce podcast about saving your relationships.
Speaker 4:
Seth Nelson is an attorney with Nelson Coster family law and mediation with offices in Tampa, Florida. While we may be discussing family law topics, How To Split A Toaster is not intended to nor is it providing legal advice. Every situation is different. If you have specific questions regarding your situation, please seek your own legal counsel with an attorney licensed to practice law in your jurisdiction. Pete Wright is not an attorney or employee of Nelson Coster. Seth Nelson is licensed to practice law in Florida.
